So I'm just gonna start a blog. This first entry is very all over the place, but I somehow deleted enough of it for it to have a topic. It’s not what I initially wanted, but it wrote itself this way. My idea is to reveal who I am to anyone willing to read. But just talking about myself is pompous and douchey. So I will instead talk about things that completely and utterly blow me away.
Note: This one is the "emo" post, it's the only one that will have this atmosphere to it. It wasn't intended to, but the general feel of it conveys a message that could only be given through that medium. I am in no way depressed, suicidal or mentally unstable. It's a feeling that I needed/wanted to describe, and it's a message that needs to be felt. I hope you all enjoy the read, and remember that I am extremely happy to be where I am, with the people I am with, and that I do love life and all the shit that goes with it. This is just the first, and the remainder of my entries will make you laugh, and be utterly blown away, I promise, just bare with me through this one.
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Many people only ever see one single facet of who I am, the funny/crazy/loud guy. These are the people that don’t know me. The other facet is the ever-so-curious, interested in learning, very self-conscious, shy, and amazed by the grandeur of the world that surrounds him. That is the facet that causes me to be a bit of a misanthrope. Of course this misanthropy is never ever aimed at people I know. My misanthropy is aimed at every single person I see that I don't know. It's not the individual I hate; it's the humanity in them.
Every single crowd is due to an evolutionary trait that all humans share. It's a survival instinct. As we were hunter-gatherers for years, we have it imprinted in us that in large numbers, the chances for survival increase. It's ridiculous. People don't like being alone, they need the company of someone else to talk about nothing with, to entertain until something better comes along. I love being around certain people, but not most people. I am very selective as to who I choose to let into my life. I love being alone. I get uncomfortable in social situations, such as get togethers and parties where I don't know a lot of people. I suck at idle chit-chat with people I don't know. The facet of self-conscious and shy kicks in and shuts me from wanting to do anything. The part of me that is amazed by the world that surrounds me, makes me observe the people around me, trying to understand how these people can freely talk to people they barely know. I used to drink to be able to open up during these situations; it got me out of my shell, and gave me funny stories to share. But somehow becoming someone I am not doesn't make sense to me. I am usually awesome when in smaller numbers, but start adding people up, 4...5...6... and I start to get quieter and quieter...add a few people I don't know into those 6 and I am completely silent occasionally glancing over to the people I know. I have been asked at parties if I am okay, I look angry, I look sad, I look bored. I don't know why I get like that. I'm just silent when uncomfortable. Silent, and observing the world around me, trying to understand it, trying to listen in on what is being said.
Humanity. It has killed and killed in its own self-interest. It has hated, discriminated, segregated, and tormented itself through every single era of human history. Story time. 8-6 million years ago, the human genome begun to evolve. Skip forward, as evolution is fucking slow, to a time when humans started being civilized. 10,000 years ago. Most human colonies are nomads, moving from here to there, hunting and gathering, forming languages, cultures. As humans learned to farm, and create tools to aid them in daily tasks. The humans stopped being nomadic and settled into fertile areas to strive. About 6,000 years ago, the first "empires" were formed. Armies to protect what they have, from other people who want what others have. Armies to get what they want from people who have what they want. 2,000 years ago, many empires are striving and fighting for dominance. Less than 600 years ago, exploration of the new world begins. Slaughter of native nations of this new found world is done. Their evolution as a society wasn't good enough and their ownership of "land" completely ignored as this visitor makes himself at home. Less than 200 years ago, industrial revolution. We start creating "machines" to do work for us at a much higher pace than we previously could. We keep building and improving and we eventually get machines that allow the ENTIRE globe to be connected to one another. In 10 thousand years, we went from nomads who hunted in colonies of dozens of people, who knew nothing of what was happening anywhere outside their tribe, to a point where the whole world can be notified of an atrocity committed on the other side of the globe in less than 10 minutes!
Things that blow me away #1: Humanity. Incredible. We are the most amazing thing that has happened in the past 1,000,000,000 years in the solar system. And we achieved this through slavery, war and genocide. The capability for humans to do such horrendous things is what makes me hate every person I don't know. Of course this hate isn't directed towards the starving Africans, or the tribes of Papua New Guinea. It's aimed solely on the people who think they are better off than other nations and feel pity for them. It appears to me that these “civilized” people have lost their existential purpose, the purpose of striving for a better tomorrow for the human species as a whole. Everything has been given to them; shelter, nourishment, riches and most importantly freedom (some of our homeless make more daily than some Africans and Asians make annually). And yet inane matters are regarded as relevant by these purposeless drones. Celebrity obsession, animal rights, obesity, etc, etc, etc…
So now to put the focus back onto me. My adoration and fascination for the human race is the cause of my hate of them. Who I am and how I think is a wonder to myself. I have often been told I was an extremely intelligent individual. I have noticed a few signs of it myself, but do not think of myself as such; I’m just another piece of shit human looking out for his own self interest. I have a unique perception of the world. I am amazed by things that we overlook on a daily basis. I want people to notice these things. By telling you all one thing that blows me away, I will also reveal something about me that you may not have known.
By telling you what I love, it will tell you a lot about myself. This is the conclusion of this first entry.
